First Nations conversation guide

As Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander parents and carers, our kids and family are our everything. We all want them to grow up safe, happy, and making wise choices.

Part of keeping kids and young people happy and safe and setting them up to have healthy relationships in the future, is teaching them about sexual consent. Research tells us young people want this too. That they want the trusted adults in their lives to talk more about sexual consent, to help them understand it.

Yet, sometimes we adults struggle to talk openly about sex and sexual consent because of our own upbringings or experiences. It can be a tough yarn because it might feel shame, uncomfortable or even taboo for some of us. Or it can just feel embarrassing and awkward.

But it’s important we do yarn about it, to help our kids and young people learn to have healthy and safe relationships.

It can help to start these conversations with people you trust — like a brother or sister, a partner, or a mate — before you talk to your kids. You might have different ideas about sexual consent, but talking about it and finding out more can help you feel stronger and more sure when you’re ready to talk to the young ones.

Because learning, understanding, yarning about consent, can’t wait.

This conversation guide is just that – a guide to help First Nations parents and caregivers talk about sexual consent with other adults and young ones. It does not take into account the unique First Nations community protocols that may exist and vary in different communities.

Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement shared between people each time they take part in a sexual activity.

It means there is only sexual consent if the people involved:

• Make the choice without pressure, guilt or shame (made freely)
• Show or say they want to take part in a clear and open way — so there is no doubt (they’re keen)
• Everyone agrees (it’s mutual)
• Understand what is happening (they’re informed and able to give consent, for e.g. awake, conscious etc.)
• Keep agreeing to what’s happening before and during sexual activity, not just once, but every time (it’s ongoing)
• Haven’t changed their mind or taken away sexual consent at any time (it’s reversible)

Just because someone doesn’t speak up, say “no”, or push back physically, it doesn’t mean they’re okay with having sex. Someone being quiet, not saying no or not resisting does not mean you have sexual consent.

Sexual consent relates to sexual activities, such as:

• Sexual intercourse
• Touching someone in a sexual way
• Sharing sexual images
• Online sexual activities.

Consent also means people can decide to stop or change their minds at any time in the sexual activity, even if they agreed before. It’s okay to say no at any point.

Sexual consent means respecting each other when you do anything sexual, whether it’s in person or online.

If someone says they’ve changed their mind, says “no”, or wants you to stop, you have to listen. And even if they don’t say anything, you should pay attention to their body language or facial expressions. For example, if they freeze, stay quiet, seem unsure, pull away during a kiss, or look uncomfortable, they might not want to keep going. You should stop and ask before doing anything else.

Sexual consent also applies to online stuff, like texting or messaging each other. And it’s not a one-time thing. It’s ongoing. You’ve got to check in every time you do anything sexual, not just once. Just because someone agreed in the past does not mean they’ll agree next time.

Everyone involved has to agree to join in and want to do it. And you’ve got to talk about and agree how things will happen and ask if they want to use condoms and other contraception. If one person agrees and the other doesn’t, then there is no consent.

Sexual consent also applies to online stuff, like texting or messaging each other

Consent also means people can decide to stop or change their minds at any time in the sexual activity, even if they agreed before. It’s okay to say no at any point. It doesn’t matter. Nobody should ever feel forced to do something they don’t want to do because someone threatens, bullies, controls, tricks you, spies on you or tracks you, makes you feel shame, or uses violence, force or pressure.

Consent sounds like: 

I really like that…
I’d like to…
Is this ok?
Are you comfortable?
Do you want to stop?
Yes. That <action> feels good.
I want to do this.
Are you happy to keep going?

Consent does NOT sound like: 

No. I don’t want to.
Let’s stop.
I’ve changed my mind.
That doesn’t feel right / good / ok. 
I don’t feel comfortable.
I don’t feel like it.
This is gammon. 
I don’t want to go any further.

Yarning to kids and young people about sexual consent can be hard for lots of reasons. But it’s really important so our kids can have healthy relationships. Lots of parents don’t know where to begin. Here are some tips to help you make a start:

• First, have a think about what you want to say — maybe write a few points down
• Timing is everything — so find some time when you’re not rushing to school or work
• Try and do it away from others, so you can talk without people sticky beaking
• Sometimes it might be easier to go for a walk or drive to talk so you don’t have to look at each other
• Listen when they talk, and don’t judge. Try to be patient and understanding.
• Answer questions honestly and the best you can. If you don’t know something, that’s ok. Take time to find out more and then go back to talk about it.
• Small yarns are sometimes better than long ones, but try to have them more often.
• If it doesn’t go to plan, don’t give up. Make time to have another go and remember, there is help out there if you need it. 

As kids get into their teens, you need to be more open and honest in yarning about their changing bodies, sex and sexual consent. It helps them understand what is normal for their age, decide when it is the right time for them to have sex, and gets them ready for when it might happen.

For primary school kids, a good place to start is talking about how kids are the bosses of their bodies. Yarn to them about:

• how they get to decide who touches them e.g. they have the right to say no to holding hands, hugs, kisses or tickling from family members or friends if they don’t feel comfortable and that is ok
• how to get to know and trust their feelings (happy, scared, excited and worried), when something “feels right” or “feels wrong” or “feels confusing”
• to tell a safe person they trust if something doesn’t feel right
• how to say no if they feel uncomfortable or scared or just not ok

Some ways for kids to say no:  

My body is mine, even when I’m asleep.
Please stop touching me.
I don’t want to hold hands with you. Let’s high five. 
I don’t want you to take my photo. 
Please don’t tickle me. 
My private parts are mine. 

This helps kids learn about their own boundaries, like what’s ok and what’s not. It’s about teaching them about consent before it’s about sex. Remember, having your own boundaries is about respecting yourself.

As kids get into their teens, you need to be more open and honest in yarning about their changing bodies, sex and sexual consent. It helps them understand what is normal for their age, decide when it is the right time for them to have sex, and gets them ready for when it might happen.

At first, they might think it’s gammon and maybe shame in yarning about things. But bit by bit, keep at it, and after a while, they’ll probably start to come around. Some tips:

• Start slow and build your teen’s trust by listening. It can be hard, but try not to jump ahead, interrupt or assume things. If you have a blow up, don’t give up.
• Give it a bit of time, then try again.
• Try to keep an open mind, so that they feel ok to ask questions, sharing their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings with you.
• Talk about their feelings — like excitement, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, crushes and attraction. Understanding their feelings helps them know when they feel safe and when they don’t.

These days kids and young people spend lots of time in the digital world — either on their computers or ‘smart phones’. It’s great for learning and staying connected, but there are also risks.

Pornography

It’s easy to find pornography online. Lots of kids watch pornography at a young age (48% of boys by 13 years old and 48% of girls by 15 years old). They’re often watching long before they’ve even started having sex. But at that age they might not realise that it’s not real — that pornography is acting. And it can give them the wrong idea about sex in the real world. 

Pornography often doesn’t show consensual and safe sex. Kids then can get confused about what sexual consent should look like. They might think violent sexual acts are normal and distort what healthy relationships look like. We need to remind them violence is never okay and respect is an important part of sex.

Sexting — messages, photos and videos

Kids often share sexual messages, photos and videos on their phone, social media and email. Because it’s not face to face, it can be easy for them do things first without thinking. We need to remind our kids that even though it’s online, they need to have respect for themselves and the person they’re sharing sexual things with. This means checking for sexual consent.

It's important to talk openly and honestly to kids and young people about sexting to help keep them safe and out of trouble.

Kids also need to know to be careful about what they do online because what they post and share can:

• Get them in trouble with the law (it is illegal to look at, send or keep sexual photos or videos of someone under 18 years old. This is called child pornography.)
• Hurt themselves, their families and communities
• Get them in trouble at school e.g. suspended or expelled
• Make it hard to get a job in years to come
• Make them feel shame
• Be used against them (threaten to publicly post)

It is important to talk openly and honestly to kids and young people about sexting to help keep them safe and out of trouble:

• Tell them not to take sexual photos or videos
• Remind them, if they share sexual photos of themselves, they can’t control where they go and who sees them — so don’t feel pressured to do it
• If someone sends them a sexual photo or video tell them to delete it and tell someone they trust
• Encourage them to look after their own privacy online.
• Tell them what happens if they send a sexual photo or video of someone under age and without permission

Remind them, there is always someone to yarn to about sexting if they need help.

Some ways teens can express consent for online: 

Yes, you can take photo of me. 
No, that is private, I’m not going to share it (photos, videos, messages).
I’ve changed my mind. I’m not comfortable sending you a photo. 
I’m not comfortable with this. I’m going to leave.